I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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