I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
