When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
