It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
