Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
