did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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