the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
