he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
