there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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