I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
...so i touched it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
