Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
