party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Only a mothe r could love this liver
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
