Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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