maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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