This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
