She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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