Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
3 2 1 whiskey
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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