Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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