at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
