Umm I'm too high to move.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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