Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
