Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
