I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i think i just lost a toe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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