Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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