There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
