Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
