Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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