M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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