All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
