At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
