idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
