if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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