I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
