The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
