I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
