He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
