My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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