i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
