Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
