This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I want to fling myself into the sun
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
