I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
