Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
