If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
