Tell her she can't have a vagina
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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