Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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