Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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