we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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