I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
