Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
