I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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